If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
