Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
