I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
