If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
