holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I wear drunk well.
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