Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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