When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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