i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
