I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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