I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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