so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
