i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
