Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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