you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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