why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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