you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
