I didn't shave. On purpose
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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