She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I need a burrito and a hug.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize