I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
