I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
