Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
