my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
