Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Well I just put wine in my tea
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Randomize
