I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
