I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Randomize
