I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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