How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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