Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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