I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize