Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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