he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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