I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize