I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
