shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
