You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
