So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
