so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
