Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
