I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
