He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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