Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
