omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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