none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
