I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm getting married
To pizza
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize