I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
