Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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