Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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