By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I will be naked everywhere
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
