Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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