Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
