Well douche your snatch and let's go!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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