you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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