so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
