And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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