"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
