So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
