Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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