I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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