Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
