I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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