dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
