are you so shy because you have an std?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
