So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
