So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You can't just leave with hair like that
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
