ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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